Memories

 

Time is such a strange concept. Just a unit of measurement while we spin around a giant flaming ball of gas. Sometimes I wish more than anything it would speed up and sometimes I wish more than anything that it would slow down. But somehow it keeps on flying.

I will preface this post by saying how blessed & fortunate I have been with my family. I haven't been witness to much of it within the last few years but my grandpa is currently battling dementia. I haven't been able to expose myself to it to see him because I don't want to overwhelm him but it really makes me reminisce and think about life. I've been trying to dig up pictures of my grandpa and I together and I realized something... I only have one.

I realized the same thing when I got out of the Army and it is sad as hell. If you document a bunch in the military, or take selfies and "cool guy pics" you almost get labeled, so like a lot of other guys, I never did it. I wish more than anything that I had pictures with the guys that I worked, trained and deployed with. I have my memories that I can think back on, but when will those go? Now, I try to take pictures of everything. Between my artwork, photos and blog content, my phone storage hates me but that's besides the point.

A Tribute To My Grandfather:

https://www.nashuatelegraph.com/obituaries-memorials/obituaries/2022/06/17/john-e-jack-cantara/

My grandfather, Jack Cantara was a kind, generous, patient and faithful man. It seems unfair that he had to battle dementia for almost half a decade. When his memory started to decline, I tried to find old photos of me and him and quickly realized that I only had a few of them. Of course, I will have my memories with my grandpa but how long will those last? It has been difficult being in the wheelchair and not being able to just swing by my grandpa‘s house with my family like we used to when I was a kid. It was easy for him to get overwhelmed and I never wanted to put him in that situation. Of course I hoped and prayed that I would be able to say some kind of goodbye but there is a lot of solace in knowing that my Grandpa is up in Heaven with a renewed mind and body. 

I will cling to my memories with him as hard as I can. Memories of the time spent learning how to swim in his pool. Memories of begging my grandparents to sneak us more cookies from my grandma’s cookie jar. Memories of my brothers, dad and I in our teenage years breaking ice apart on his roof or helping set up the dreaded screen house. Memories of playing wiffleball in his backyard and looking around before we hopped his wooden fence to go get a homerun ball.

One of my favorite memories was in my senior year of high school. I was sitting in the bleachers for a graduation assembly and the VFW gave a little presentation about high school students joining the military instead of college. I remember my grandpa taking the podium and giving his speech. I looked around and everyone in the bleachers was whispering about how cute my grandpa was. I’ve never been more honored to have had him as a mentor while I joined the Army. 

One of my favorite stories that came from my grandpa’s battle with dementia was told to me by my mom and my uncle. My grandma and grandpa keep a photo of my twin brother and I in our army uniforms from 2015 in their living room. My grandpa would tell stories based around that picture. He would talk about how it was a photo of his army friends and tell the story about us three getting into a bar fight in Italy during the time when my grandpa served in the army. Part of me is happy that I can say I was in a bar fight with my grandfather! 

There are tons of lessons that I can take away from my grandpa Jack. The main one I keep coming back to is to live in the moment. Take photos and be present. Respect your brain and the memories it holds. We love you Grandpa. Rest easy now.

Footnote from Eulogy: I would be remiss if I didn’t take this opportunity to express how proud I am to sit here with Cantara blood in my body. Truthfully I don’t know much about dementia but what I have come to learn is that it is a unforgiving disease for everyone involved. what has been my biggest inspiration is to see the strength in my family. The strength that my grandpa had while fighting this disease. The strength in my aunts and uncles, mom and dad as they rallied together. Most profoundly, the strength in my grandma. We love you all and I know that Grandpa is looking down, so very proud of his family. Thank you.