Family Friday - Kass

Happy Friday everyone! I have to admit that the idea of doing a Fam Friday post intimidates the heck out of me. I avoid stirring up old emotions as much as I can because it can be a dangerous hole to fall into. That being said, after seeing how therapeutic this blog is for Joshua, I think I can handle one little post 😉 

I’m assuming most readers are familiar with our story. Joshua and I crushed long distance for 2 years on opposite sides of the country. We made the most of every phone call, face time and text message. We lived for every visit we had, whether that was in NH with family or him spoiling me on adventures and nonstop dates in Washington. One month before he was supposed to come home to me, I got news that sent our lives into a bazillion different directions. The night of February 11, 2017 was the most horrifying, heart-wrenching, traumatizing night of my life. The time between finding out Josh was shot and in critical condition to actually landing at SEATAC the next morning was the most difficult time I have ever experienced. I’ve yet to find the words to explain the emotional and physical pain I felt that night. 

The month spent out in Washington was a whirlwind of sleepless nights, beeping machines coming from every direction, doctors giving us good news and then bad news and good news and then okay news etc. At 20 years old then, I was heartbroken, terrified, confused, and I remember feeling so lonely despite being surrounded by so many supportive people. I remember staring at Josh, unconscious, for hours at a time...completely lost. When something like this happens to you (I pray it never does) all you want is that love from the person you need the most... but what do you do when that person is fighting for his life in the ICU? 

Fast forward a month later when we transferred to Boston...we were “home” but it wasn’t supposed to happen like this. One of my first times back at my house, (just to grab more clothes for the hospital and take a breather) I remember walking up the front steps on a Friday night and seeing my family on the porch with the fire pit lit. My heart sunk. All I could think was “Josh should be here.” But instead, he’s sitting in a hospital bed dealing with the news that he may never walk again. I ran up to my bed and cried harder than I ever have before. My mom walked in and through the tears helped me find my strength and refocus. I’ll never forget her telling me that our love story is one of the greatest ones out there and no one could take that away from us. The next year at the hospital was filled with a lot of those conversations with my mom...helping me find that strength after hearing me cry into the phone. 

Before Joshua was shot, being in a long distance relationship gave us plenty of time to plan for the future. When was his next leave so we could plan a visit? Would he be home for the holidays? What time will our weekly FaceTime date be on Sunday night? We planned everything from our dream of owning a tiny home together, to the dog we would get, to the ultimate Pinterest wedding.(still waiting on that one😉) I yearned for the days of him picking me up in his truck for a date. I imagined the bumache I would get after a day of riding on his motorcycle with The Deplorables. I was SO eager for us to have a “normal relationship” with normal dates and slow dancing in the kitchen while dinner was cooking and tickle fights on the floor and cuddles on the couch with a movie on. All of these plans that seemed so reachable...suddenly so far out of reach. 

I mourned for so long what we lost on February 11th. But after 2 years post-injury, after 2 years of soul searching and trying to understand what the heck this crazy life is trying to teach me...I think I’m getting close to figuring it out. February 11th tried to take so much away from me, but this new life I’m living has provided so much that I never would’ve had otherwise. 

My love for Joshua is the strongest it has ever been. His crooked smile makes me melt and if he catches me staring at him and throws a wink my way...forget about it. My heart is happy and content and so smitten for him. I get butterflies if I’m not home and I hear my phone ring and see his name pop up. Yeah, we don’t have a tiny home right now but instead, we have a kickass Pinterest dream home. We have this home TOGETHER. We have Kona...the craziest, most pee-filled wigglebutt there ever was. Honestly, me not having to sit on the back of his bike for more than an hour is probably a blessing😜 I’ll take the back of his wheelchair any day.  Instead of mourning the idea of our future that played over and over in my head so often, I’ve decided to celebrate the life we have together now. I celebrate the fact that he can still sit next to me at church and hold my hand during the homily and give me a kiss during the sign of peace.  I celebrate that he can still spend a Friday night eating way too much food around my parent’s fire pit and that he can nerd out about all things Marvel with my brother-in-law or talk baseball with my Dad. I celebrate that he can help spread the sauce on a homemade pizza and stir the onions on the stovetop while I chop the peppers. And of course, I celebrate that I can roll him into the good lighting for the perfect selfie. There is SO much to celebrate! 

I have found the man that I dreamed of since I was a little girl.  A man that takes care of my heart like no one else ever could. A man that puts my happiness before his own (even if that means shivering next to me because I stole his heated blanket). A man that motivates me to be the best version of myself because if he can take on this life, why the heck can’t I? 

Life can change within seconds. It sounds cliche but that saying rings so true. You think “this could never happen to me” or “God would never put me through that” but that’s life. It throws you things you could NEVER imagine handling. Trust me, this is coming from the girl who had instant anxiety at the thought of most things. But you handle it. You put on your big girl pants and handle that shit. Because even when it seems impossible, that strength is in you. You can take on anything! 

Things may look a little different than what I always imagined, but life with Joshua is damn good and I am so grateful for our second chance. 

I know it’s hard to learn these difficult lessons without going through something like this firsthand. But I hope that at least one person who reads this will stop and think twice. Maybe life isn’t what you imagined it would be and the plans you had didn’t pan out...but think of the new opportunities you have because of that. Celebrate the life you have instead. I guarantee you, it’ll make living it that much better. 

All my love, 

Kass 💗