Dealing with Jealousy
Torment is a pretty good way to describe feeling jealous. It’s a normal reaction... wanting something that is not yours. Normally it involves wealth, vehicles, simple pleasures... tangible items. What about body image? When I was a skinny little teenager all that I wanted was broad shoulders, a defined chest, abs and biceps. When I was a broke army private all that I wanted was better living conditions and more respect. When I was hauling ass on my motorcycle and maxing out my RPM’s on the highway all that I wanted was a bigger Harley Davidson with a sixth gear. When I became paralyzed all that I wanted was a working body.
At first, everything made me jealous. The simplest things, just because I was now unable to do them. Someone opening a door by themselves. Someone opening a bottle of water. Someone using their hands for literally anything. The ease of someone getting in and out of a vehicle. Someone being able to lay down on the ground and pet my dog while I have to beg her to climb up onto my chair. Someone jumping onto a piece of gym equipment and knocking out a workout while I struggled to breathe on my own. It was all the little stuff. Seeing someone else in a wheelchair who has hand function and knowing that they can do much more for themselves. Knowing that there are people with spinal cord injuries that can still feel sensation. Seeing wheelchair users with similar injuries as me and being jealous that they can push themselves in a wheelchair and transfer out of their chairs to their couch or bed. What a toxic way to think.
It wasn’t until I took a step back that I was able to see what I still had. What I have that other people may be jealous of. It may be a struggle, but I am able to breathe on my own when others cannot. I am able to move my arms and talk when others cannot. Most of all, I am alive when others are not. Most people don’t survive a gunshot to the throat... I think that we can all agree on that. Most people don’t have the support system that I have. A lot of the veterans that I met at the hospital were there alone. I sat there everyday with my family, friends and my girlfriend and second family. Hell, that’s still how my life is. A lot of people in my situation live alone and have caregivers that come in to take care of them. Well I have the love of my life doubling as my caregiver. I have amazing people in my life that are willing to sacrifice everything to better me.
There are people that are jealous of my outlook on life, able-bodied & disabled alike. I don’t claim to be the ideal life-enthusiast but I will say that I am usually pretty optimistic regardless of my situation. I have had many people ask me how I stay so positive. I just try to keep a good energy. I pride myself in my ability to make someone’s life better in any way. My goal in life is to have anyone that converses with me walk away feeling better than they felt prior to our encounter. I think that it helps me keep myself in check. I find balance in my thoughts by trying to see both sides of any situation. If my mind starts to jump towards jealousy or starts to dwell on something that I cannot do then I try to stop and think about what someone may be thinking when they see me. What insecurities does my existence bring out in others?
Truthfully, you never know what thoughts are going on in someone’s head. As humans, we pick ourselves apart with every chance that we get. I have my days for sure. The bald guy may be staring at me because I have a full head of hair while I’m staring back because he has working legs. The homeless guy may be looking at me in my nice clothes and expensive wheelchair while I look at him and think about all of the potential and what I would do with a proper body. My point is that everyone has their insecurities and jealousies and recognizing what they are is important.
Sometimes it’s as easy as taking a step back and looking at what you have that will help put everything back into perspective. Jealousy and insecurity are everywhere but it is toxic to dwell on them. They don’t deserve your time.
God Bless.
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