Save Your Sympathy

There is currently a movement in the spinal cord injury community that is being spearheaded by members of the Christopher Reeve foundation called #seeus. It is a movement to promote disability awareness and body positivity for wheelchair users. To show the person and not the wheelchair or handicap. I love the message and the community of it. However, I don’t necessarily agree or disagree with this and here’s why. The reason that I am neutral is because whether or not I want my disability to define me, it always will. Self love is extremely important and embracing my reality is paramount in being proud of who I am. I have worked so hard to accept the fact that I am paralyzed and I think it is unfair to expect someone to ignore that. I will never expect someone to see the fit 25 year old in the chair and not wonder how or why. The only thing that I don’t want from anyone or anything is sympathy. Don’t treat me differently because, well, I’m not different. Someone pretending that I’m not in a wheelchair feels weird. I’ve never been the kind of guy that needs my feelings tip-toed around so I’d be the first to call someone out for being weird around me. I think that the issue with the #seeus movement is people’s opinions. A lot of people see the wheelchair and think sympathetically. Of course this is a normal reaction but in some regards, it’s an ignorant reaction. 

I have relearned how to do a lot for myself and I have conquered some pretty significant mental hurdles in these last few years. I am proud of where I am at now. When I think about what I would think or how I would act if I saw someone like myself in a chair I am torn. I would feel bad... I know that I would. My feelings wouldn’t be very warranted and I would be acting out of ignorance. The experiences that I have had and what I have learned from my injury has shaped me for the better. In some ways, I am a better man with more wisdom than most. The issues with being sympathetic is that it is, in layman’s terms, an assumption. I think we all know the saying “when you assume then you make an ASS out of U and ME.” 

When you feel bad for me (out of context), you’re assuming that my life or some aspect of it is worse than yours. I am perfectly fine with people being curious. I understand that seeing me is out of the norm (which is what the #seeus movement is trying to address). If someone came up to me and asked me about my experiences or asked me about my life then I would have a conversation with them and educate them and both parties would go away feeling better. I would much prefer that over someone coming up to me and saying “oh, you poor thing” or “you’re so brave”... I think that if I didn’t have the mental state that I have, then hearing this all the time would have the opposite of the intended effect. I would start to feel worthless. I would begin to think that everyone is looking at me like less of a man. 

You should never be afraid to talk to someone with a disability. It’s no different than talking to a healthy person. Some of us are hilarious. I love seeing people’s reaction when I throw out a morbid paralysis joke. One day when I was at the VA hospital, I had a conversation with an older Vietnam War veteran who was there because he had a tumatic brain injury (TBI)  from a fall down a staircase. Truthfully I felt bad for him because I thought that he had it worse off that I did. I was guilty of being sympathetic out of place. In talking with him I learned that he is easily the funniest man on the planet. He and his therapist told me a bit of his backstory and about how much progress he’s made since his injury and I went on to crush my therapy appointment with a new sense of motivation that day... I have learned to embrace my situation and I use humor often. But you would never know that if you come up and assume that I can’t speak or function properly. I understand that it can be intimidating approaching someone with a disability simply because of the fact that you don’t know what the disability is. Sometimes you just need to put on your big-boy/girl pants and approach. Ask away... I think that I’ve proven that I am an open book. There are so many different people with intense experiences just waiting to tell their story (and not all of them have a super cool blog 😉). They/we don’t want to feel excluded. It’s bad enough that most physical places aren’t wheelchair friendly. We don’t need society to be the same way. It’s as simple as that. 

God Bless.