Finding Balance

I remember back to playing baseball and being introduced to using wooden bats. All that I had known up to playing in my first wooden bat league was using big and light composite or aluminum bats. My coach showed us the “sweet spot” on the lumber. Right in the center of the barrel of the bat going with the grain. Up to that point, I had never broken a baseball bat before, but I quickly learned what that felt like. If the ball hits off the end of the bat, you start hitting foul balls or dinky ground-outs. If a fastball jams you up and it hits near your hands, the ringing in your hands hurts like a bitch. But nothing beats the sound and feeling of launching a ball off of the sweet spot. 

I like to think of life as the pitcher and me as the batter. Life is throwing different pitches at me trying to get me to hit above or below the sweet spot or strike out. I am just up at the plate constantly trying to find that homerun spot without breaking the bat. 

In one of my first blog posts, I had mentioned what helps me in this new life and I said that a lot of it was having a set schedule. In a way, I was wrong. The set schedule helped me because my life has been so chaotic and sporadic in the hospital. However, this last year helped me realized that I had started to become complacent. I talk a lot about how complacency is bad and I have definitely realized how true that is. 

I am still trying to find that “sweet spot”. A huge part of this injury for me is the mental struggle. It isn’t necessarily a struggle with finding motivation or a struggle with feeling sorry for myself. The mental struggle that I deal with is more of a tug-of-war match between accepting that I am paralyzed and limited in a lot that I can do now and never accepting that I am paralyzed and to always strive to improve my life. In a way they kind of even each other out and pull me in different directions mentally. 

Here is a fact. I am paralyzed. I am a C-4 quadriplegic and no matter what I do or tell myself, I am paralyzed. Now what is next? Time for some tug-of-war. 

Accepting that I am paralyzed helps me to rationalize things. These are the cards that I have been dealt and trying to deny that is mentally exhausting. I never try to pity myself nor do I ever want pity from someone else. Accepting that I am paralyzed helps give me the confidence to wheel around and not give a shit about what other people think. It helps me to look into the mirror and say “damn, I look good” instead of staring at my stomach or tiny muscles. It helps me to deal with a setback from my injury in a positive way. Whatever it was that happened doesn’t define me, it is just a symptom of my paralysis. It helps me to get out of the house and try different things. But it also causes complacency. Accepting that I am paralyzed can also cause me to not want to try different therapies or choose tv and video games over working out or seeing friends or family. It can cause laziness and push me into a ‘day-by-day’ cycle. 

This is why I need that other side tugging away. 

Never accepting that I am paralyzed helps to keep me motivated. It gives me the “I’m going to kick paralysis’s ass” mentality. It makes me want to try different workouts or therapies. It makes me want to push my boundaries. Try things that are scary or past my physical limitations. It is what pushes me to get to a point where I can laugh at anyone that told me “I would never do X, Y or Z”. It is what helps me to set goals and it is what makes me so stubborn. It is also what makes me so angry or frustrated when something doesn’t go right. It is what makes me feel down on myself when something happens that I can’t control. It is when I look in the mirror and get sad or angry because I don’t meet my old standards of strength and beauty. It is my own vanity. It is what reminds me harshly about my physical limitations. 

This is my mental Yin & Yang. Each side has its benefits and its faults. Too much of one side and I would fall apart. Too much off the end of the bat or too close towards the hands and you end up with a broken Louisville Slugger. You just gotta find that sweet spot. 

God Bless.