Family Friday - Mom

Hello everyone! I am Josh's mom, Maria and I will be sharing my perspective on how Josh's injury has affected my life. I have to admit, it seems a bit strange to be talking about it. So much of what I've endured over the last two years seems insignificant in comparison to what Josh has been handed. My hope is that by sharing my story, other mothers going through this will be validated in their feelings.

February 11th, 2017 started out as any other day. It was a Saturday, so I got to sleep in and spend a leisurely day with my husband, Matt. We met up with our friends, Spyros and Angela, for dinner at our favorite restaurant. It was just after we ordered dinner that Matt got the phone call that no parent ever wants to get. “Josh was shot" are the only words I remember. How I got from the restaurant to my home is a blur. It was the beginning of my journey.

Those early days were spent at Josh's side, watching machines do his breathing and learning every monitor in the room. My heart skipped a beat each time an alarm went off. I've always been deeply spiritual so I turned to my faith and prayed constantly. I prayed he would be able to get off life support and breathe on his own. After three long, scary weeks it finally happened. God heard me.

When Josh was strong enough, he and I boarded the world's smallest medical airplane and flew clear across the country to begin therapy at the West Roxbury VA in Massachusetts. That flight was nerve wracking as I knew he was uncomfortable and worried that he still wasn't able to feel anything below his chest.We were told it was spinal shock, and it would last six weeks. I prayed hard on that flight that we would get there safely. When we touched ground, I felt relieved. God heard me.

From the moment we arrived at the VA, I was physically unable to leave Josh's side. I was determined to help him get better and get him whatever he needed. I was in mama bear mode and there was nothing I wouldn't do for my son. I was convinced he was going to start moving his arms, fingers, legs and toes at any given time. I prayed for it in every quiet moment. It never happened. Where was God now? Josh served Him so well all his life. He was a good kid and didn't complain (much) when we went to CCD and church on the weekends. Why him? Why our family? Although those questions went unanswered, I continued to pray.

Staying by Josh's side became a necessity for my survival. The thought of being away from him was too much to think about. Matt wanted me to start coming  home on the weekends and let him and Kassidy have some alone time. I'll never forget how sick I felt when I finally agreed to it. The entire time I was away, all I could think about was getting back to him. The maternal need to be with him trumped anything else in my life at that moment. I was strong on the outside, but I was the weakest I've ever been. I was afraid of what the future held for my son. I was mad at Tom for taking away the life we had and the future I pictured for our family when he finished his time in the army. I watched Josh become depressed, sick, angry, frustrated, sad and scared. I shared every emotion right along with him. Just about every night, behind the curtain that separated us in the hospital room, I cried and muffled my anguish into my pillow so he would never know how sad I was. What kind of a mother was I if I couldn't fix him? When he was a little boy, a scraped knee got a bandaid and a kiss and that made everything better. For the first time in my life, I felt completely lost in my most important role. I prayed for guidance and asked God to carry me through. He heard me.

After six months, I finally decided it was time to let go of what I had no control of and handed it over to God. I went back to work, stayed home during the week and visited on the weekends with Matt. We would drive down after work every Wednesday and spend a few hours with him. It was a nice way to catch up and it usually involved watching a movie in his room. My life slowly returned to “normal”, but it definitely would never be the same.

I don't know what the future holds, but I know having a positive attitude and a strong faith can move mountains. It is how, despite what the doctors have told us, I believe we will continue to see miracles coming our way. It's a tough place to be emotionally…accepting your child as paralyzed but never losing hope he will beat the odds and walk again. In the words of Johnny Wheels, (I hope you're reading this!) “Hope is all we've got.”

I still think about the life Josh had planned for himself pre-injury. I wish we could spend time on the motorcycles together, hang out in the pool in the summer and go hiking like we used to. I sometimes get sad thinking I will never have the chance to dance with my son at his wedding someday (oh she will 🙂), but I refuse to let that get me down. On this journey, I was reminded of something I've always known. Our lives are predestined. God has a plan for each of us. In His great plan, he gives us each an opportunity to make a positive impact in the lives of others. I see it unfolding with every blog that Josh posts. There is a purpose to everything he's experienced, and his ability to share it with others is something he never could have done if he weren't injured. I prayed so hard that God would help Josh find peace and happiness in his second chance at life. I prayed He would remind me that with Him in control,  everything was going to be okay, that WE would be okay. God heard me.❤

Excerpt from Josh: My mom was by my side through all of my stages of grief. She held my hand on the days where I felt like I couldn’t push on and talked me through the irrational emotions coming from a changed mind. Because of that I was nasty and often short with her but also had some of the highest of highs with her by my side. My mom handled me with grace and she became my rock. She stayed hopeful and faithful and because of that, I found God again. I look forward to His plan for me and I don’t think that I would mentally be able to see this path for myself if I hadn’t witnessed it through my mom on her dark days. She may have thought that she was lost from her maternal goals but she was there patching me up with a band-aid and kissing a boo boo every single day. Everyone that I know refers to my mom as “the Angel”, including me. I love you mom.