“Honey, You’re My Hero”

“Caregiving often calls us to lean into love we didn’t know possible” - Tia Walker (author)

I wake up, unable to move... blah, blah, blah. By now you all know the ballad of Josh Keller. Paralysis is rough and it is messy. What you are going to read today will be less about me and more about a woman in my life that deserves some well earned praise. That woman is the one and only “Kassidy with a K”. Most of you know my journey so far, but you probably don’t know that none of it would be possible without my rock-star of a girlfriend. It being ‘Caregiver Month’, I thought it appropriate to recognize and brag about my round-the-clock caregiver and my rock, Kass.

I grew up in the Catholic Church. That being said, I also grew up checking out the pretty girl sitting in the front-right pew during mass. That was my first impression of Kass. She was so pretty.

Fast forward some time to 21 year old Josh. I was on the west coast serving my time in the Army. I had recently become friends with Kass on Instagram and as I “creeped” through her page I was infatuated. I decided to add her on Facebook because I thought that was a decent way to reach out to her. To be honest, I was nervous and that rarely happened. I thought “what a crummy way to start things off, she’s going to think that I’m some douche that sends messages to everyone.” I continued to talk myself out of it for weeks until I went bar-hopping one night. With a little liquid courage I sent a long drawn out message about how I’m across the country and that I felt insanely compelled to reach out and see how things went. Face palm. I woke up and reread my message while thinking about driving into Canada and never looking back. To my astonishment Kass messaged back. I did it! And that my friends is how the story of Kass and Josh began.

Throughout the next two years I really put Kass through the ringer. Long distance relationships are hard but when you throw the military into the mix it gets even harder. Add in a time difference and the fact that I spent most of my weekends riding my Harley Davidson through some mountains in the Pacific Northwest where the nearest cell towers were out of reach and you have a cocktail that would send most girls running. But not Kass. She is tough and she rivals me in stubbornness. We made the long distance work with both impulsive and planned visits to Washington and by me spending my Army leave flying home to New Hampshire. I always told Kass “home is where the Kass is”. No truer words have ever come from my mouth. This woman is my home and my heart. 

Unfortunately, we got to follow up long distance with paralysis. I’m not sure if we were ever meant to have a “normal” relationship. But then again, who wants normal? To summarize my first months in the hospital... I was an ass. I was embarrassed and I hated myself so much that I pushed everyone that I loved away. I was so doped-up and angry that I didn’t care about anyone. I thought to myself “who could love someone like me?”. I thought that Kass deserved better and that by pushing her away, maybe she could move on and have a normal life that I wouldn’t be able to provide. I was ignorant and mean and if I could go back and find myself in my hospital bed I would smack the shit out of myself. I’m actually surprised that nobody did. Kass had an army of a support system behind her and by the grace of God, we made it through the worst of my grieving. I owe her a lifetime of apologies. 

Fast forward to today. We are currently the end result of a bundle of 2 years of long distance, a year and a half of hospital chaos and 8 months of rehab and blissful relaxation in our home together. It is a strange dynamic but the end result is always love. 

Being so severely crippled meant that I had to get past my mental block regarding asking for and receiving help from others. This was a tough one for sure. This is where caregiving comes into play. I had a huge team of hospital staff that got me back on my feet (one day this will be used in the literal sense). I am forever thankful to them. Going home after becoming so accustomed to the hospital staff was a scary premise. Kass took all of these fears away. As a couple, we made the decision that she would learn and train from the spinal cord nurses and doctors and take on all of my care. With all aspects of my injury, this was a HUGE undertaking. Aside from the medical expectations, I was asking Kass to change the whole dynamic of her life. I was essentially becoming her job and her life in a literal sense. She never even thought twice. 

On top of the responsibility of my care, Kass had to take on the role of a new home owner meanwhile maintaining the sometimes difficult role as my girlfriend. I say difficult because, well, sometimes I am difficult. My daily needs are constant. As I learn to do more for myself that list gets smaller, but Kass helps me with so much. From cooking 3 square meals a day to helping me transfer to and from my wheelchair to getting me dressed to being on a 4 hour turning schedule throughout EVERY NIGHT. There is an insane amount of behind the scenes work that I’ll leave out but this woman sacrifices EVERYTHING so that I can live my best life and she doesn’t think twice about it. 

We are still your normal couple and we sometimes get caught up in the mundane bull shit that causes some heads to butt. We still run into turmoil and we always work through it. Kassidy Jean, you literally and figuratively make me a better man. Your hard work and grace keeps me motivated to be a good man and you provide me with a rewarding life. It is ALL because of you my love. Thank you for being my caregiver, my rock, my best friend and my girl. I love you with my whole heart. 

God Bless 🙏 

And thank you to all of the caregivers out there.